insecurity and paralyzing self doubt.

If were given the chance to redo and change my life, I would definitely get myself a better father than the one I have or the lack thereof. Life was definitely hard growing up without a father and a brother. All I had- growing up- were my two sisters and my cousin Glassy- not that I am complaining- I just wondered how my life would have been if I had my father and brother with me.

For the record, I have a borhter. But my brother is one who I never had the opportunity to grow up with. He was thrown into the east, in Leyte, to my to my Father’s folks’ care. I could not really remember why but, yeah, he was raised there, away from us. So, it was just really me, my mom and my two sis.

Although I knew who my fahter was, his father, mother and sibblings were, the life and who he really is remained a mystery to me, and I guess always will be. Come to think of it I probably have spent more time being with his family than I have spent with him.

Many of my friends have asked where my dad was and is. I know for a fact that after he left -well, my mom actually kicked him out- he had another family elsewhere. And his location was smoenthing we were raised not to even bother knowing. After all it was entirely my mom’s hard work that got us to where we are.

The last time I saw him was way back in 2001, I think. I stopped counting the years that I have not seen him. People often asked of his whereabouts, yet I have not really given them a straight answer or any at times. He left when I was just four and we never heard a word form him again. I have seen nothing of my father, I did not even know what he looked like anymore. Until in 1994 he just showed up in my school, while I was in class, he came looking for me at the principal’s office.

We used to wonder were he is then. But now we know where he is where he would be staying for a long period of time. In prison.

In 2000 we heard from a relative that he was arrested for the murder of one councilor somewhere in the north. We did not care about him then and were not even reconsidering. But charges were merely speculation. He may be the worse father any children could ever have, but I dont believe he did it. He’s a coward, for goodness sake. He did not even have the nerve to face my mom after being in a fight with my mom, all the more reason for us to believe that he would have the guts to murder anybody. However the case would turn out, that’s not going to change anything, at all.

I already lost my father the moment he walked out of our lives when I was four. Mine is only respect for him as the person who got me into this life of insecurity and paralyzing self doubt.

I have not been talking about my father’s whereabout because I dont want to have anything to do with him anymore. We certainly don’t need a father anymore than my mom needs a husband.